If you allow this, you may be enabling them without knowing it. However, giving money is enabling if they always use it irresponsibly. This makes them feel it’s okay if they get in trouble because you’ll be there to bail them out. While you may not think it’s a big deal, it complicates recovery. The closer you are to a person needing help, the more likely you will enable them. Anyone could be an enabler without even realizing it.
What Does Enabler Personality Mean and How to Stop Being One
If they want your help, they will need to be open and honest about their addiction with themself and others. Tell your loved one that you are there to help in a positive way, but you will not be covering up for them anymore. Be firm, yet supportive. Now that you know more about addiction, stop denying there is a problem and confront it head on.
They might think, “If I don’t step in, everything will fall apart,” but this mindset keeps them stuck in a cycle of overgiving while the other person avoids responsibility. They often step in to fix problems, shield loved ones from consequences, or avoid conflict, even when it causes them stress or exhaustion. An enabler does things that the person should be able to do for themselves. One of the distinct differences between a helper and an enabler is that a helper does things for others when that person can’t do it themselves. Enabling can look like being a cover up for others, helping them avoid taking responsibility for their own actions, or feeling too nervous to set boundaries. Learn to say no and acknowledge problematic behaviors within In some cases, we are the reason behind problematic behaviors.
This may allow the unhealthy behavior to continue, even if you believe a conflict-free environment will help the other person. A sign of enabling behavior is to put someone else’s needs before yours, particularly if the other person isn’t actively contributing to the relationship. When someone you care about engages in unhealthy behavior, it can be natural to make excuses for them or cover up their actions as a way to protect them.
Instead of confronting the issue, the mother’s support promotes further drug use and delays the real help the child needs for recovery. Because she loves her child, she provides financial support and makes excuses for why her child is struggling at school or work. Most of us would do anything in our power to support a friend or family member in need, and that usually involves giving them food, a place to live, and financial assistance.
- They can also help you learn ways to empower, rather than enable, your loved one.
- Stay positive and be there to show your continued love and support.
- Codependency is responsible for building enabling behaviors.
- An enabler is someone who continuously supports or encourages someone to act in ways that potentially cause harm to someone.
Set (and stick to) boundaries
- Paying a loved one’s bills or giving them cash—knowing it may fund an addiction or other irresponsible activities—is a classic enabling behavior.
- You may need to take care of children or aging parents.
- Often, people are unaware they are enabling their loved ones and have good intentions.
- This is why it is so important to encourage loved ones to seek things like addiction treatment, support groups, or detox opportunities so that they can get the help they need from health professionals.
More than a role, enabling is a dynamic that often arises in specific scenarios. You’ve probably heard the term “enabler.” It’s one that’s often charged with judgment and stigma. Use profiles to select personalised content.
Set and Enforce Boundaries
This can also lead to a type of trauma bonding, where the enabler feels that they cannot stop enabling the person that they love without feeling that they abandoned them in their time of need. Over time, this behavior can lead to toxic relationships, where one person becomes dependent and less accountable, and the enabler feels trapped or taken advantage of. For example, giving money to a loved one who uses it for drugs or alcohol, or covering for someone’s bad behavior, are forms of enabling.
You’re making excuses for problematic behavior
Being an enabler doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. If you find yourself instinctually siding with the addicted person at all times, you may be an enabler. Enablers will often blame other people for the person’s bad behavior. If you don’t want to bother or confront an addicted person, you may be enabling them. Rather than helping them understand the consequences of their actions, you’re letting them get away with it. Worse, consuming drugs or alcohol around that person makes it harder for them to break their addiction.
In a lot of cases, it’s other people around you who are more likely to recognize that you’re helping someone who isn’t helping themselves,” Dr. Borland explains. “When you’re on the inside of an enabling dynamic, most people will think they’re just doing what’s best, that they’re being selfless or virtuous. Making excuses can be one way you help cover up problematic behavior and keep your loved one from being held accountable for their actions. The specifics can change, but at its core, enabling behavior tends to what does it mean to be an enabler have some common themes. And it’s counterproductive to the person you’re trying to help.
Covering Up or Making Excuses
Setting boundaries can be difficult, but necessary for staying on track. You can pay for living expenses bills directly, if necessary, but do not give any cash money that could be used to buy alcohol or drugs. You will only support them in positive ways that have a direct impact on their healing and recovery.
Innocent Enabling
Learn about addiction2. Recognizing the signs of being an enabler is important to stop it before it goes too far. Resenting the person or problem This may be necessary because they are unable or unwilling to meet the needs of their personal obligations.
It’s time to have a serious conversation about getting professional help for your loved one. If you want to stop enabling another person, you must get help for yourself first. Addiction is a complex disease of the brain and it’s difficult to understand if you’ve never had a problem with drugs or alcohol. Don’t provide financial support for bad behavior6. Once it reaches the resentment stage, many people stop providing support and it can have a negative impact on a once loving relationship. Sometimes this causes a conflict, while other times they finally decide to stop giving support.
This process is a never-ending cycle because, at the same time, it becomes difficult to stop enabling behavior. An enabler personality is so focused on fulfilling their loved one’s needs that they ignore their own needs. When an enabler supports or encourages someone to be involved in harmful actions, they get so focused on their needs that they tend to ignore their personal needs.
Encourage Professional Help
Sometimes, when all your time and energy is focused on your loved one, you might feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated or reciprocated. By allowing the other person to constantly rely on you to get their tasks done, they may be less likely to find reasons to do them the next time. You may also justify their behavior to others or yourself by acknowledging they’ve gone through a difficult time or live with specific challenges. It doesn’t mean someone else’s harmful behaviors are on you, either. They may focus their time and energy on covering those areas where their loved one may be underperforming. Enabling behaviors can be common in codependent relationships.
Setting boundaries is important in showing someone what you will and will not tolerate, holding them accountable, and avoiding the encouragement of destructive behaviors. One way to stop enabling a person with a mental health disorder is by first educating yourself on their condition. It can also end up in worsened outcomes in relationships and the overall situation, as destructive behaviors continue they come with higher risk. Being an enabler can take a toll on a person’s mental health, physical health, and overall well-being. If they can rely on their enabler to keep them from facing consequences, it becomes incredibly difficult for them to build a healthier life on their own.
Pointing out how their behavior makes you feel and giving them projects to own can help you both If you find yourself obsessing over rejection or a one-sided relationship, you’re likely stuck in limerence “But it’s important to recognize when enough is enough and to make changes, for their good and your own.” “For a lot of people, learning to be assertive is a new and potentially uncomfortable skill set. “Ending an enabling relationship requires assertiveness — the ability to say no,” Dr. Borland says.
